My Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the cheque with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, some three nano-seconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque, and the arrival in my account the funds needed to honour it.

Thank you, as you have now have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness!

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for this year I am restructuring my affairs using as my model, the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very own bank.

I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.
To this end please be advised of the following changes:

Firstly, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, promptly, and yet when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on I, like you, will choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by way of a personal cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate.

You will be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an application for contact status, which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry that it runs to eight pages, but, in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is unfortunately no alternative.

Please note that a Justice of the Peace must countersign all copies of his/her medical history, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation  (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number, which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again. I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service.

As they say, “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery”

Now, let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours.
My Authorized Contact at your bank is the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and be answered by an automated voice.
By pressing the buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided through an extensive set of menus:

I) To make an appointment to see me.

2) To query a missing fee payment

3) To make a general complaint or inquiry’ and so on’

The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the wait.

This month I have chosen “ The Best of Abba.”

Now.

On to a more serious note as we come to the question of costs.

As your bank has, on more than one occasion, pointed out to me, the drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost – a cost that you have always been swift to pass on to me. So let me therefore repay your kindness by passing some of these costs back.

Firstly there is the matter of advertising material you send unsolicited to me. I will read said literature at a fee of $20 per page. All contact, verbal or otherwise, from my assigned contact will be billed at $5 per minute.

Any debits from my account (the example being the fee for the dishonored cheque, will be passed back to you)

My automated telephone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Abba’s Greatest Hits does not come free) so I would suggest you keep your enquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again taking your lead, I must levy an establishment fee to cover the substantial costs of setting up this new but altogether more efficient arrangement.

On that note may I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous financial year.