Hopping Across A Few Continents On Three Legs.

If there is one thing I have learnt after many years of travel, it is the trick of, ‘travelling light’. Excess baggage is nothing more than a cumbersome millstone when boarding planes, trains, boats or any other form of transportation when one is on the move.

When taking family vacations to far flung climes, our two daughters would have to endure having their luggage inspected by the terrifying “luggage police’ (i.e. management) who would discard items at will from overstuffed bags. Numerous pairs of shoes, make up containers, hair straighteners, hair dryers and other such items would be tossed into an ever - growing pile until the travelling bag was suitably anorexic enough to pass the ‘travel test.’

This discipline has served me and I hope my offspring well as I have perfected the art of using just one smallish bag and a light backpack to accompany me on journeys that have often lasted months…. 

That is, until now!

In a couple of days we shall depart Bali and will visit, Cambodia, South Africa, Botswana, Namibia, U.K. France, Spain and possibly Portugal over the course of about fourteen weeks. Now, usually I wouldn’t be at all concerned about luggage as my trusty bag and backpack cope surprisingly well on extended trips such as this one however, something happened recently to upset the balance of my regimented regime.

I broke my bloody ankle.

This injury required some rather invasive surgery which involved the inserting of all manner of pins and plates into my lower left leg which will, from now on set off every metal detector at airports around the world. I envision myself stripping naked in front of hordes of waiting passengers in order to convince security personnel that I am in fact not carrying a weapon of mass destruction.

I have begun to assemble everything I will need on this journey and because of the state of my left limb; my luggage quota seems to have swelled as if in sympathy with my damaged ankle.

I sit morosely in my wheelchair staring at the pile of ‘stuff’ that will have to be carted aboard numerous airlines, boats and trains. Apart from the cameras, lenses, laptop, journals, i-pad and hard drives there are three items that have suddenly become indispensable to the trip and unfortunately, without them I wouldn’t be going anywhere.

A grey orthopedic boot will be attached to my limb, which I am reliably informed will assist in me get around. This ergonomically piece of equipment actually comes with a manual on how to use it! There are numerous buttons that operate air pumps for inflating and deflating the boot along with all manner of locks levers and industrial strength sheets of Velcro to keep everything in place. Assembling an item from IKEA, with that ridiculous Alan key they give you, is a lot simpler. The cost of this space age piece of equipment is actually bigger than the GDP of a small African county.

Oh yes, I almost forgot Romulus and Remus, my despised companions who, although supposedly commissioned to assist me in the simple task of ‘getting around,’ cunningly inflict more pain on my body than a torturer from the Spanish Inquisition could ever manage. They are of course the ever-present pair of crutches.

Now these bits of wood with negligible padding at the top meaning that one’s armpits are subjected to excruciating agony every time one takes a step, are my constant companions. Lately, on my rare forays into the outside world, these dastardly crutches seem to elicit pitying stares from passers-by who no doubt whisper to themselves, “There but for the grace of God go I.”

 Now, I have gleaned a little from this incapacitated state that I find myself in, I intend to milk it for everything it's worth, especially when it comes to airlines.

I have cunningly crafted letters to the heads of airlines telling them that I will be flying on their carrier in the next couple of months and I might find this awkward given my frail state. I have to say that that the responses have been somewhat gratifying. Seems I shall be met outside each airport by a flunky from one of the carriers I shall be using on that particular day. This poor soul will then have to wheel me to check in, through the ‘infirm’ security and immigration lines to the airline lounge where all manner of treats will be brought to me in order to ease my suffering.

I will of course make my severe discomfort known to the airline staff and, if I were to be convincing enough,  hope to hear those magical words, “perhaps sir would be more comfortable in 1st, that way you can elevate your leg.”

“ Oh yes, thank you so much” I will reply in a pathetic voice, “ That will be most helpful, however could you ensure that management gets looked after in row 92 in economy, she’s been such a treasure throughout all of this”

Now I am not sure whether this ploy will in fact play out the way I imagine, but if it does I am more than willing to rent Romulus and Remus, as well as the moon boot, to those contemplating an intercontinental flight in the near future.

That is once my affliction has healed of course so stay tuned!